Friday the 13th

Amsterdam, Friday, October 13th

Hey. Today is my birthday! Kebetulan gw lagi ada kerjaan di Amsterdam, jadi aga aneh ga ngerayain ulang tahun di rumah – walaupun “where is my home?”, Singapore? Solo?. Tambah satu tahun umur gw, dan tahun ini bakal terakhir kalinya gw bakal umur di kepala dua. Maaaan, I am old!

Tahun ini banyak hal terjadi di hidup gw. Baik dan buruk. Depresi dan bahagia (sedikit). With all of the things that happened, I learned a lot.

Gw belajar menerima diri gw sendiri

Gw pikir, gw udah menerima diri gw sendiri sejak beberapa tahun lalu. But somehow this year, gw berasa kalau gw naik level di bidang ini. Gw berasa bener2 chill akan diri gw sendiri. Gw ga terlalu peduli apa kata orang. Gw bisa lihat how shit Yoel is and accept it. Does not mean that I give up, but I just can be more relaxed about it. Acknowledge all of the shits that I own.

Gw belajar buat lebih open

I don’t really realize this until several people mentioned about it. Beberapa orang share ke gw betapa mereka appreciate how open I am to them. They appreciate how I can be vulnerable in front of them. Anehnya, this thing somehow help them. Counter intuitive banget. Karena how come just being vulnerable can help other people. Tapi bagi gw, for some good friends that I trust, I am  a blank open book now. If I have a shitty day, I will say that I have a shitty day. And if I have a happy day, I will try to celebrate it with them.

Gw belajar appreciate my days

Ketika gw depresi, gw bener-bener berada di jurang kelam. At that time, I just tried to survive for one day. Day by day. Gw cmn mikir gimana caranya bisa lewatin hari ini. Makan, kerja, tidur. Somehow, karena itu, gw lebih bersyukur untuk hari2 “normal” gw. Gw lebih bisa bersyukur ketika gw bisa menikmati makanan, wine, musik, buku, seni, dll. Gw lebih bisa bersyukur ketika gw melewati hari2 dengan normal.

Gw belajar buat appreciate good friends & families

Again, ketika gw jatuh depresi, saat itu beberapa temen dan keluarga gw bener2 there for me. Ada satu orang yg nemeni gw di apartemen gw di Singapore ketika gw takut sendirian. Ada satu orang yang nemenin gw waktu gw lagi di Jakarta, waktu gw nangis seharian dan harus terbang balik ke Singapore. Ada satu orang yang nemenin gw waktu gw lagi lumayan down di Jakarta. Ada keluarga di Solo, Australia, Jakarta yang ngasih kasih yang tulus buat gw. Ada temen di Singapore yang gw bisa saling support each other. Ada orang2 yang genuine care dan pengen bantu gw. Thanks to you all. I really do appreciate it.

Gw belajar bersandar ama Tuhan

Di titik paling bawah, ketika temen, keluarga, pikiran, perasaan udah ga bisa diandalin lagi, ga ada lagi yang bisa tolong gw selain si Khalik. Gw tau, gw pragmatis banget. Ketika di atas sering lupa akan Dia. But yeah, I am that shitty. Luckily, He does still accept me. Di hari2 tergelap itu, gw berasa Dia jagain gw banget. Gw masih inget di waktu2 dimana gw cmn bisa berdoa di kasur: Tuhan let me go through this..please help me. And He does help me. Walaupun in those moments, not very seldom I also prayed for him to take my life. :p

Gw belajar menikmati kebebasan gw

After being open, being vulnerable, surviving the depression, I got some weird feeling of freedom. Mungkin karena I really don’t have anything to hide now. It is like saying to the world, Hey this is me. I am a sinful person. I do sin. Have done a lot of shitty things. But I also do have good intentions  and have other good things in my life.

So, happy birthday Yoel! You are doing good at surviving this year.

As a bonus, these songs helped me to survive in those dark days. Enjoy!

 

“Don’t you get that I’m defended, I will never die, it’s a battle that you can’t win, it’s love that keeps me alive, and I won’t ever have to die a death, my final breath will birth a life, and I will rise up resurrected, my past and future in Christ!…Till I rise up resurrected, I’m right here right now alive!” – Alive, KK

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